Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
