I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
