Dude my mom stole all your condoms
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
