Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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