I need to stop coming to work sober
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
