tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Mom said you looked used
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
