She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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