did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
