Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
