saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
