My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
