I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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