If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
