I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
