you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
