My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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