The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I think my fart just growled at me.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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