he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
