I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
