u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
