some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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