Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
