I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
