Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
