I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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