you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
