I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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