I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
