I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
