I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
