I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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