"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
