omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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