I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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