I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
