NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
