he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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