Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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