its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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