Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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