Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
