Soap is not a condiment
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
