He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
