It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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