I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
