I can text with my tongue
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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