Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
