the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
