she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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