Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
