wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
