my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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