i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
