its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
